ottawa.

"And how the wise man and the fool alike die."
-Eccles. 2:16

I had every intention of this post never happening. For the benediction on my last post to act as my benediction to the blogosphere permenantly. And to be honest I'm not sure why this post is here, maybe I will cite therapeutic reasons, or an attempt to pretend I'm still in Kaleo. I don't know.

What I know is that I find myself worlds away from where I was come last April. In an environment where "God" is used interchangeably with "Santa Clause", and friendships seldom seem as genuine as I know they can be. Please don't confuse these remarks as whining, simply an attempt to explain the world I find myself in.

And despite my best efforts there is a mourning.

When Paul writes in Romans 8 about how creation, "groans as in childbirth...to be liberated from its bondage" - I connect with that. It is quite a sight to see, not only young impressionable people, but these professors, these self-professed "prophets of truth" fill their lives with gods made from their own hands.

How can I not be overcome with a deep, deep sadness?

I feel that this is a post that might seem incomplete. But I think it is allowing myself time to stop, pause, and think.

How big do I think my God really is?

So this is Ottawa, thanks for reading again; I hope to be unpacking this as this year continues to unfold.

jake.

a way to end.

Most things are best begun with a story, so I will choose to begin to describe to you what has taken place here in that medium.

Late one Friday night a varied group of teenagers slowly made their way along a sea wall located just off downtown Victoria. Previously in that night these students had witnessed, and assisted with, the engagement of two of their closet friends. You see, for these students, tonight was a farewell of sorts. A bidding adieu to people who have come to know them better than most ever will. And as they walked along the sea wall every step seemed to cue a memory that only made this night much harder.

Finally the students found their way to the end of the sea wall, where they saw a memorial of sorts. As the students navigated there way through it they could not help but once again come to a place of reflection. Soon songs began, old and new songs, songs that meant something to someone, songs that meant something to the whole group.

And during all of this I was overcome. If I look back honestly at my life I can say I haven't been the greatest person. My lifestyle has not been one that has been in accordance with what God calls me to. And yet, despite of my undeservingness, God gave me this year.

He has given me so much, and so I was forced to me knees with no other words than, "thank you, thank you, thank you." The Christian community tends to throw around the term "Grace of God" a lot (I am probably guilty of it). But tonight as I looked out on the ocean and saw the lights in the horizon I knew, so intimately, that there is a Father in heaven who cares for me so much. And as the group continued to sing I began to look around, and I saw things.

I saw people who desired God with their whole hearts, people sold out for the Gospel of Christ. People, who eight months earlier, had been paralyzed and trapped by the sin in their life, now freely proclaiming the workings of Christ in their lives. I saw new brothers and sister embrace, and old wounds healed. What I saw in our group tonight was nothing short of miraculous when compared to the bunch we were only eight months prior.

And so my challenge is this, how do I go from here? How do I explain Kaleo to people? I know in the weeks to come I will be asked the question, "So, how was it?" And I will look blankly at that person and they will assume my year sucked. But my blank look will not be out of a lack of words, but rather because I am looking for a story amidst the thousands running through my head that would best describe my year.

And I thank God for you. For people like Mr. Wagner who are sources of encouragement during the most despairing times. For my parents, who I have come to appreciate and love beyond measure. For my friends, too countless to name, for lending me your ears this year. To Jim Badke and Kristie Voth, people who are an example in my life of how to be led by the Spirit. But above all of these people the glory is to God.

To Him who has enabled me this year, to Him who has empowered me this year, to Him who is my only sustanance. To Him be the glory and praise forever and ever. Amen.

At Kaleo we often end chapel times with a singing of the doxology. This has proven to be a most fitting way of concluding our times together, and so I will incorporate it here. May these words be your prayer at all times. May you know Christ more than you did the day before. And may we enjoy the fellowship in knowing that we belong to a family that is beyond the flesh. Thank you for reading this year.

"Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Praise Him above, ye heav’nly host;
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost."

April 8th, 2009

It seldom occurs that I find myself staring at my computer screen with nothing to write about. And so, in my persistence to achieve some sort of regularity with my blog posts, I write about having nothing to write about.

These past few days I was surfing. I would hesitate to call surfing a sport, not because of my lack of respect for it, but exactly the opposite. I would not want to tarnish the name of surfing with the over-endorsed, over-payed, over-hyped, thing we now call "sport". Where joy and healthy competitiveness are replaced with corporate pressures and borderline idolatry. So rather, I will refer to surfing as an experience.

When you have a lot on your mind, as I currently do, surfing is the prescription. Not the surfing in itself, but rather its ability to force you to spend time with God. When you are alone on your board waiting for the next killer wave, seldom do worldly thoughts cloud your mind. Instead, thoughts of worshipping the God whose hand is over all of this. The God who commands the wind and the water, the One who can throw mountains into the ocean.

And so as I sit here back at Kaleo with a sick feeling in my stomach, I wish I was surfing. It's a lot easier to see God when I surf.

Things are coming to a close here at Kaleo, a lot of "the last time we will..." have come up, and it saddens me. Somehow the remark that, "we will all be together in heaven..." does little to comfort. But as I have said in past posts, my soul yearns to be taken from the greenhouse and planted in the world - and so I prepare.

Dear brother and sisters pray that the truth of God is spoken amidst these situations in my life. That he would be glorified, honoured, and exalted on His eternal throne.

For He was, and is, and evermore shall be. Amen.

slumdog millionaire.

if you haven't seen this movie, you need too.

roots.

At the end of class today a visiting Briercrest alumni pulled one of the students up to the front, made him stand on a chair, and began to read from Jeremiah 17,

This is what the LORD says:
"Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
who depends on flesh for his strength
and whose heart turns away from the LORD.

He will be like a bush in the wastelands;
he will not see prosperity when it comes.
He will dwell in the parched places of the desert,
in a salt land where no one lives.

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.

He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit."

On the students t-shirt was a small tree that looked like it was just planted. But underneath this tiny tree was hundreds of roots. Roots that ran deep and wide in every direction.

And after reading Jeremiah he spoke about how the Lord needs these roots to run deep because of the plans he has for the tree. That, because of the enermous shape the tree will one day attain, the roots must be incredibly strong. And then he said something that kind of caught me offguard, "And that is what God is doing in you, Jake."

To understand this statement I must explain the chapel that we had today before lunch. Jim had decided to set aside two chapels for people to share their experiences and thoughts after coming back from their mission trips (I went to Brooklyn). This was the second day of sharing.

I had made up my mind during the first day of sharing that I would not say anything. For everyone reading right now, this is almost a gurantee that your heart will beat wildly until you share. So, when day two of sharing came around I began to feel the heart beating. Knowing that this symptoms were usually better acknowledged, I decided I did not have enough energy to fight the Holy Spirit and blurted out some noise indicating I would share.

I didn't begin at the beginning, but rather at the end of the trip. As I sat on the ferry and penned these words in my journal:

"I am angry...I feel as if all these people who gave me money, gave in vain. Was it a waste? God, why the hell did I go to New York?"

You see as I sat on that ferry, desperately wishing that the past two weeks meant something, I was utterly stuck in a paralyzing state of despair. I've heard people describe this feeling as being like fighting the mist. And so I returned to camp and I sat and listened as I heard stories of God's provisions, revelations, and majesty. I heard stories of salvation, and I heard stories of hearts breaking for people groups.

And that was what I shared with the group in the chapel. And the same guy who told me that God was building these deep roots in me, just looked at me and said, "I see this Spirit of dispair, and that is a hard place to be."

That is the most encouraging thing anyone has ever said to me. It was Anne Lamott who said the most powerful sermon is, "Me too." And if people were to say,"well I am sure you were of some benefit on that trip" it would take away from the roots God is establishing in me.

Why does everything we do as believers have to be of gain? Why does there exist this tremendous fear of digression? Have we somehow confused Yahweh with the God of progress?

And just today, as I received news of more things that grieve my soul, I find myself feeling very odd. Though my world is crumbling around me, I am realizing something.

My world is crumbling, not God's.

And is that really such a bad place to be in? I remember talking to my brother upon his return from Kaleo and he told me a story. One of the students had lost their best friend in a tragic accident and through immense struggle was posed with the question, is God enough. And though I do not face such extreme circumstances I find myself asking the same question right now.

Is God enough?

I will end with the word of brother Paul to the church in Phillipi, "For me to live is Christ and to die is gain." (Phil. 1:21)

Jacob.

a natural progression...

"The spirit of Christ is the spirit of missions. The nearer we get to Him, the more intensely missionary we become"

-Henry Martyn (Missionary)

I know I am not Catholic. How do I know I am not Catholic, because I don't need to do anything to get into heaven. Good news all you Protestants - we can lounge all day before we are raptured to lounge some more. Too bad for those suckers who worked their butts off...

Lately I have been struggling with this idea of works vs. faith. And now, on the eve of my voyage to Brooklyn to partner with a ministry there, I wonder why this feels so natural - so correct? Why does it feel like this year will be all for naught if I don't go do something about it? Are not I saved by the grace of God, isn't that enough?

I am not sure where this theology comes from.

John Calvin would say we are in a place of total depravity - look around - 'everyone nods their head'. And since we are in this place, it is only be the grace of God that He pulls us from the miry clay and begins to redeem us (with full redemption coming soon, but not yet). Therefore we must conclude that yes, it is our faith in God that saves us, nothing by our own power - all by His.

Now this is where something went terribly wrong.

Somebody suggested that because we are saved by the grace of God we should then respond like as if we were sitting in a lazy-boy eating a good old bag of Lays. Because you've got faith right? Wrong.

"As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead." - James 2:26

Jesus also speaks frightening words on this topic,

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit...If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned." John 15: 2, 6

I have said a couple of times on this blog that something feels kind of off. Like I watched the first half of Star Wars but pressed stop just before Luke finds out his father. It is kind of an awkward place to be. Our professor last week made an interesting comment, more like an observation in regards to fourth year students at Bible Colleges. For these students, who have been steeped in academia for so long, there is an incredibly real danger that they will simply fizzle out; that the passion will be gone. Now obviously this is not a rule, more or less a trend that He noticed. But its got to make us think, doesn't it?

Are we living our lives repeating the first half of the movie over and over again? Or is our Father calling us to press play on the incredible things he has in store for us.

Please excuse the cheesiness of that last line, but it remains my conviction that a lot of us (myself included) are getting a little too comfortable with the lines we already know - with a script that we know all to well.

So as I leave for Brooklyn I ask that you would pray for boldness and courage. As I minister to the organizations staff, to the children of Brooklyn, and listen to God as He calls. Also, I would ask that you would pray for obedience, that I would react willingly to the calls of my Father while in Brooklyn; along with that, that I would abide in the Spirit. That no decision would be made outside His perfect wisdom and discernment. And for safety, that would be helpful.

Thank you friends,

Jacob.

of saskatchewan and thirty hour bus rides...

"Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord"

-Ephesians 5:19

Call me fickle, but lately I have found power in the song. As I sat on a thirty hour bus ride away from gorgeous and warm B.C. to the forsaken land of Saskatchewan, I came across such a song. But to understand this scenario better I must provide some contextual information.

Not this weekend, but the one before that, I boarded a bus with nine other Kaleo's heading for Christian Mecca, Caronport (Saskatchewan). Personally I wish we would have borrowed a page from Islam and picked somewhere a little warmer - like Saudi Arabia - but alas we were off.

One ferry ride, five games of catchphrase, thirteen hours of sleep, and one sleezy motel later - we arrived.

You know those times in life when you hear a lot about a place and when you arrive you remark, "Wow, this is nothing like what I expected!" This was not one of those times. Briercrest is in the middle of nowhere. It is very cold. And the people there are amazing. I was reunited with my long lost siblings, won a basketball tournament against people I could babysit (proud of that one), and played pond hockey on a cold Saskatchewan night in the glow of a roaring fire. Life is hard.

I can remember during one of the worship services for YouthQuake (my official reason for being there) we were singing the Christian classic, "How Great Is Our God". And I can remember looking around while the chorus was being sung, people proclaiming the amazing power of God, and I thought to myself, "I wonder what would happened if they actually believed that?"

Now God has really impressed humility on my heart this year, so I should not be surprised at the response that came back to me.

"What If you really believed it Jake?"

This is a quote from A.W. Tozer, "Christians don't tell lies they just go to church and sing them."

I began to realize two things. One - My words need to be in sync with my deeds. I should approach prayer with the same faith that I sing, "Savior, He can move the mountains..." with. Two - that God is working in tremendous ways through music.

I realize that last point does not sound like a profound insight - but to an analyzer like myself, someone who needs a theological dissertation to praise God - this is huge. And my guess is many of you who are reading this blog can relate. You who want to get the fluffy songs out of the way in a service so the "real teaching" can begin.

And the truth is, from a Biblical perspective, this argument does not stand. David found an outlet in the Psalms, Jesus - on the night of his arrest - sung a hymn with his disciples (Matt. 26:30), and Paul commands us in his letter to the church in Ephesus to sing spiritual songs.

I have a feeling that music is more than notes on a page. That, in the same way as prayer, it is a divine way of entering into fellowship with the God of the Universe.

So back to the bus ride...

As I sat with headphones in, driving into the Alberta horizon, a song comprised purely of instrumental goodness, resonated between my ears. And it was in that moment that I felt equipped to love more. Despite my exhaustion, frustration, and general annoyance - God replaced my selfishness with love. Not through a three point theological sermon, but through carefully strung together notes.

I should stop putting God in my understanding box. Because lately He is refusing to stay inside it.