moved.

this blog is officially dead and this post is the final plunging of the knife into the heart.

thankfully this blog was married and had a child where my thoughts continued to be jotted down.

www.noonewantstobeanaccountant.tumblr.com

love.

the death of dialogue.

When you spend two hours on a bus everyday with a dead ipod, you overhear some things (and I mean overhear...loud people).

From relationships to who drank the most beer, I have felt much like an anthropologist observing some sort of foreign people - fascinating. And out of all the trends that have been carefully noted, one sticks out amongst the pack.

The art of dialogue is dead.

Let me give you an example...

Bus dweller #1 "I recently bought a new car, it is super charged"
Bus dweller #2 "I own a super charged car, it is brand new."

What is so ridiculous about this conversation might appear very evident and laughable in print. But if you didn't notice, these two people are not conversing. Rather, they are simply stating things back and forth at eachother.

My initial reaction is that this is simply one scenario, not painting a good picture of society as a whole. But over the next few weeks my ears would perk up, only to hear once more this sort of "stating game" be played.

Now this would be easy to write off to selfishness, insecurities, and hope in perishing things. Not saying it is not those things, but maybe this is a result of technology squishing our dialogue "lol" by "lol".

who knows - i will report back soon.

peace.

anyways.

i know noone reads this anymore - but thats kind of liberating.

one of my most profound thoughts post kaleo:

kraft diner sucks.

ottawa.

"And how the wise man and the fool alike die."
-Eccles. 2:16

I had every intention of this post never happening. For the benediction on my last post to act as my benediction to the blogosphere permenantly. And to be honest I'm not sure why this post is here, maybe I will cite therapeutic reasons, or an attempt to pretend I'm still in Kaleo. I don't know.

What I know is that I find myself worlds away from where I was come last April. In an environment where "God" is used interchangeably with "Santa Clause", and friendships seldom seem as genuine as I know they can be. Please don't confuse these remarks as whining, simply an attempt to explain the world I find myself in.

And despite my best efforts there is a mourning.

When Paul writes in Romans 8 about how creation, "groans as in childbirth...to be liberated from its bondage" - I connect with that. It is quite a sight to see, not only young impressionable people, but these professors, these self-professed "prophets of truth" fill their lives with gods made from their own hands.

How can I not be overcome with a deep, deep sadness?

I feel that this is a post that might seem incomplete. But I think it is allowing myself time to stop, pause, and think.

How big do I think my God really is?

So this is Ottawa, thanks for reading again; I hope to be unpacking this as this year continues to unfold.

jake.

a way to end.

Most things are best begun with a story, so I will choose to begin to describe to you what has taken place here in that medium.

Late one Friday night a varied group of teenagers slowly made their way along a sea wall located just off downtown Victoria. Previously in that night these students had witnessed, and assisted with, the engagement of two of their closet friends. You see, for these students, tonight was a farewell of sorts. A bidding adieu to people who have come to know them better than most ever will. And as they walked along the sea wall every step seemed to cue a memory that only made this night much harder.

Finally the students found their way to the end of the sea wall, where they saw a memorial of sorts. As the students navigated there way through it they could not help but once again come to a place of reflection. Soon songs began, old and new songs, songs that meant something to someone, songs that meant something to the whole group.

And during all of this I was overcome. If I look back honestly at my life I can say I haven't been the greatest person. My lifestyle has not been one that has been in accordance with what God calls me to. And yet, despite of my undeservingness, God gave me this year.

He has given me so much, and so I was forced to me knees with no other words than, "thank you, thank you, thank you." The Christian community tends to throw around the term "Grace of God" a lot (I am probably guilty of it). But tonight as I looked out on the ocean and saw the lights in the horizon I knew, so intimately, that there is a Father in heaven who cares for me so much. And as the group continued to sing I began to look around, and I saw things.

I saw people who desired God with their whole hearts, people sold out for the Gospel of Christ. People, who eight months earlier, had been paralyzed and trapped by the sin in their life, now freely proclaiming the workings of Christ in their lives. I saw new brothers and sister embrace, and old wounds healed. What I saw in our group tonight was nothing short of miraculous when compared to the bunch we were only eight months prior.

And so my challenge is this, how do I go from here? How do I explain Kaleo to people? I know in the weeks to come I will be asked the question, "So, how was it?" And I will look blankly at that person and they will assume my year sucked. But my blank look will not be out of a lack of words, but rather because I am looking for a story amidst the thousands running through my head that would best describe my year.

And I thank God for you. For people like Mr. Wagner who are sources of encouragement during the most despairing times. For my parents, who I have come to appreciate and love beyond measure. For my friends, too countless to name, for lending me your ears this year. To Jim Badke and Kristie Voth, people who are an example in my life of how to be led by the Spirit. But above all of these people the glory is to God.

To Him who has enabled me this year, to Him who has empowered me this year, to Him who is my only sustanance. To Him be the glory and praise forever and ever. Amen.

At Kaleo we often end chapel times with a singing of the doxology. This has proven to be a most fitting way of concluding our times together, and so I will incorporate it here. May these words be your prayer at all times. May you know Christ more than you did the day before. And may we enjoy the fellowship in knowing that we belong to a family that is beyond the flesh. Thank you for reading this year.

"Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Praise Him above, ye heav’nly host;
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost."

April 8th, 2009

It seldom occurs that I find myself staring at my computer screen with nothing to write about. And so, in my persistence to achieve some sort of regularity with my blog posts, I write about having nothing to write about.

These past few days I was surfing. I would hesitate to call surfing a sport, not because of my lack of respect for it, but exactly the opposite. I would not want to tarnish the name of surfing with the over-endorsed, over-payed, over-hyped, thing we now call "sport". Where joy and healthy competitiveness are replaced with corporate pressures and borderline idolatry. So rather, I will refer to surfing as an experience.

When you have a lot on your mind, as I currently do, surfing is the prescription. Not the surfing in itself, but rather its ability to force you to spend time with God. When you are alone on your board waiting for the next killer wave, seldom do worldly thoughts cloud your mind. Instead, thoughts of worshipping the God whose hand is over all of this. The God who commands the wind and the water, the One who can throw mountains into the ocean.

And so as I sit here back at Kaleo with a sick feeling in my stomach, I wish I was surfing. It's a lot easier to see God when I surf.

Things are coming to a close here at Kaleo, a lot of "the last time we will..." have come up, and it saddens me. Somehow the remark that, "we will all be together in heaven..." does little to comfort. But as I have said in past posts, my soul yearns to be taken from the greenhouse and planted in the world - and so I prepare.

Dear brother and sisters pray that the truth of God is spoken amidst these situations in my life. That he would be glorified, honoured, and exalted on His eternal throne.

For He was, and is, and evermore shall be. Amen.

slumdog millionaire.

if you haven't seen this movie, you need too.

roots.

At the end of class today a visiting Briercrest alumni pulled one of the students up to the front, made him stand on a chair, and began to read from Jeremiah 17,

This is what the LORD says:
"Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
who depends on flesh for his strength
and whose heart turns away from the LORD.

He will be like a bush in the wastelands;
he will not see prosperity when it comes.
He will dwell in the parched places of the desert,
in a salt land where no one lives.

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.

He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit."

On the students t-shirt was a small tree that looked like it was just planted. But underneath this tiny tree was hundreds of roots. Roots that ran deep and wide in every direction.

And after reading Jeremiah he spoke about how the Lord needs these roots to run deep because of the plans he has for the tree. That, because of the enermous shape the tree will one day attain, the roots must be incredibly strong. And then he said something that kind of caught me offguard, "And that is what God is doing in you, Jake."

To understand this statement I must explain the chapel that we had today before lunch. Jim had decided to set aside two chapels for people to share their experiences and thoughts after coming back from their mission trips (I went to Brooklyn). This was the second day of sharing.

I had made up my mind during the first day of sharing that I would not say anything. For everyone reading right now, this is almost a gurantee that your heart will beat wildly until you share. So, when day two of sharing came around I began to feel the heart beating. Knowing that this symptoms were usually better acknowledged, I decided I did not have enough energy to fight the Holy Spirit and blurted out some noise indicating I would share.

I didn't begin at the beginning, but rather at the end of the trip. As I sat on the ferry and penned these words in my journal:

"I am angry...I feel as if all these people who gave me money, gave in vain. Was it a waste? God, why the hell did I go to New York?"

You see as I sat on that ferry, desperately wishing that the past two weeks meant something, I was utterly stuck in a paralyzing state of despair. I've heard people describe this feeling as being like fighting the mist. And so I returned to camp and I sat and listened as I heard stories of God's provisions, revelations, and majesty. I heard stories of salvation, and I heard stories of hearts breaking for people groups.

And that was what I shared with the group in the chapel. And the same guy who told me that God was building these deep roots in me, just looked at me and said, "I see this Spirit of dispair, and that is a hard place to be."

That is the most encouraging thing anyone has ever said to me. It was Anne Lamott who said the most powerful sermon is, "Me too." And if people were to say,"well I am sure you were of some benefit on that trip" it would take away from the roots God is establishing in me.

Why does everything we do as believers have to be of gain? Why does there exist this tremendous fear of digression? Have we somehow confused Yahweh with the God of progress?

And just today, as I received news of more things that grieve my soul, I find myself feeling very odd. Though my world is crumbling around me, I am realizing something.

My world is crumbling, not God's.

And is that really such a bad place to be in? I remember talking to my brother upon his return from Kaleo and he told me a story. One of the students had lost their best friend in a tragic accident and through immense struggle was posed with the question, is God enough. And though I do not face such extreme circumstances I find myself asking the same question right now.

Is God enough?

I will end with the word of brother Paul to the church in Phillipi, "For me to live is Christ and to die is gain." (Phil. 1:21)

Jacob.

a natural progression...

"The spirit of Christ is the spirit of missions. The nearer we get to Him, the more intensely missionary we become"

-Henry Martyn (Missionary)

I know I am not Catholic. How do I know I am not Catholic, because I don't need to do anything to get into heaven. Good news all you Protestants - we can lounge all day before we are raptured to lounge some more. Too bad for those suckers who worked their butts off...

Lately I have been struggling with this idea of works vs. faith. And now, on the eve of my voyage to Brooklyn to partner with a ministry there, I wonder why this feels so natural - so correct? Why does it feel like this year will be all for naught if I don't go do something about it? Are not I saved by the grace of God, isn't that enough?

I am not sure where this theology comes from.

John Calvin would say we are in a place of total depravity - look around - 'everyone nods their head'. And since we are in this place, it is only be the grace of God that He pulls us from the miry clay and begins to redeem us (with full redemption coming soon, but not yet). Therefore we must conclude that yes, it is our faith in God that saves us, nothing by our own power - all by His.

Now this is where something went terribly wrong.

Somebody suggested that because we are saved by the grace of God we should then respond like as if we were sitting in a lazy-boy eating a good old bag of Lays. Because you've got faith right? Wrong.

"As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead." - James 2:26

Jesus also speaks frightening words on this topic,

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit...If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned." John 15: 2, 6

I have said a couple of times on this blog that something feels kind of off. Like I watched the first half of Star Wars but pressed stop just before Luke finds out his father. It is kind of an awkward place to be. Our professor last week made an interesting comment, more like an observation in regards to fourth year students at Bible Colleges. For these students, who have been steeped in academia for so long, there is an incredibly real danger that they will simply fizzle out; that the passion will be gone. Now obviously this is not a rule, more or less a trend that He noticed. But its got to make us think, doesn't it?

Are we living our lives repeating the first half of the movie over and over again? Or is our Father calling us to press play on the incredible things he has in store for us.

Please excuse the cheesiness of that last line, but it remains my conviction that a lot of us (myself included) are getting a little too comfortable with the lines we already know - with a script that we know all to well.

So as I leave for Brooklyn I ask that you would pray for boldness and courage. As I minister to the organizations staff, to the children of Brooklyn, and listen to God as He calls. Also, I would ask that you would pray for obedience, that I would react willingly to the calls of my Father while in Brooklyn; along with that, that I would abide in the Spirit. That no decision would be made outside His perfect wisdom and discernment. And for safety, that would be helpful.

Thank you friends,

Jacob.

of saskatchewan and thirty hour bus rides...

"Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord"

-Ephesians 5:19

Call me fickle, but lately I have found power in the song. As I sat on a thirty hour bus ride away from gorgeous and warm B.C. to the forsaken land of Saskatchewan, I came across such a song. But to understand this scenario better I must provide some contextual information.

Not this weekend, but the one before that, I boarded a bus with nine other Kaleo's heading for Christian Mecca, Caronport (Saskatchewan). Personally I wish we would have borrowed a page from Islam and picked somewhere a little warmer - like Saudi Arabia - but alas we were off.

One ferry ride, five games of catchphrase, thirteen hours of sleep, and one sleezy motel later - we arrived.

You know those times in life when you hear a lot about a place and when you arrive you remark, "Wow, this is nothing like what I expected!" This was not one of those times. Briercrest is in the middle of nowhere. It is very cold. And the people there are amazing. I was reunited with my long lost siblings, won a basketball tournament against people I could babysit (proud of that one), and played pond hockey on a cold Saskatchewan night in the glow of a roaring fire. Life is hard.

I can remember during one of the worship services for YouthQuake (my official reason for being there) we were singing the Christian classic, "How Great Is Our God". And I can remember looking around while the chorus was being sung, people proclaiming the amazing power of God, and I thought to myself, "I wonder what would happened if they actually believed that?"

Now God has really impressed humility on my heart this year, so I should not be surprised at the response that came back to me.

"What If you really believed it Jake?"

This is a quote from A.W. Tozer, "Christians don't tell lies they just go to church and sing them."

I began to realize two things. One - My words need to be in sync with my deeds. I should approach prayer with the same faith that I sing, "Savior, He can move the mountains..." with. Two - that God is working in tremendous ways through music.

I realize that last point does not sound like a profound insight - but to an analyzer like myself, someone who needs a theological dissertation to praise God - this is huge. And my guess is many of you who are reading this blog can relate. You who want to get the fluffy songs out of the way in a service so the "real teaching" can begin.

And the truth is, from a Biblical perspective, this argument does not stand. David found an outlet in the Psalms, Jesus - on the night of his arrest - sung a hymn with his disciples (Matt. 26:30), and Paul commands us in his letter to the church in Ephesus to sing spiritual songs.

I have a feeling that music is more than notes on a page. That, in the same way as prayer, it is a divine way of entering into fellowship with the God of the Universe.

So back to the bus ride...

As I sat with headphones in, driving into the Alberta horizon, a song comprised purely of instrumental goodness, resonated between my ears. And it was in that moment that I felt equipped to love more. Despite my exhaustion, frustration, and general annoyance - God replaced my selfishness with love. Not through a three point theological sermon, but through carefully strung together notes.

I should stop putting God in my understanding box. Because lately He is refusing to stay inside it.

harlotry and hosea...

"When the LORD first spoke through Hosea, the LORD said to Hosea, " Go, take to yourself a wife of harlotry and have children of harlotry; for the land commits flagrant harlotry, forsaking the LORD."

Hosea 1:2 (NASB)

And so here I find myself once more, it is Monday night and I am too tired, with too much work to do, on too little of a time frame. But I trust the Lord will work through my incoherent ramblings to produce something of value, and if not I apologize in advance.

This past week I wrote a paper on Hosea for Old Testament Literature. Most of you have probably some vague idea of Hosea, and the symbolic relationship that takes place between Hosea and Gomer that represented God and Israel. But once you get past that story you realize you have 80% of the book left. The remaining 12 chapters contain Hoseas address to the Israelites, condemning sin, calling out leaders.

Frankly, by chapter seven - I'm ready for these Israelites to be smotten in some spectacular fashion. 'Cause lets face it, none of us are that bad.

Right?

If we dig deeper we find that the two main areas of sin Hosea address are idolatry and unauthorized/unsanctioned kingship. Whew, good thing we don't struggle with those things...

Yea, right...

Mark Driscoll once told of a story when he was in India of a conversation he had with a pastors wife planting a church down there. Mark had just come from a rural community filled with literal idols and blood of animals. When Mark asked this pastors wife if she would ever come to America, she replied, " I did once - but I cannot stomach the idolatry."

One of the great lies from the enemy right now in North America is that idolatry is a sin found only in Biblical narratives, or in third world countries.

Secondly, we see the sin of unauthorized kingship permeate Hoseas rebuke. And again, what appears to be solely the problem of those living in Eighth Century (B.C.) Israel, is very much ours.

Who are the rulers of our lives. Are they sports stars, politicians, comedians...your girlfriend, your wife. Maybe they are people who don't even want to be put in that position, a pastor, a mentor. I know personally this year I have struggled with reading more "Christian literature" - than the Bible.

And as I read this I say to myself, "Lord, kill these people...", thus in reality I am saying, "Lord, kill me."

It is a dangerous thing - to turn Biblical narratives into an "us" vs. "them". Seldom is that true.

So when all hope seems lost for the Israelites, when there sins seem to be too staggering to compensate, Hosea chapter 14 happens. And this is where I will end my blog. It is hard to read that chapter and not leave with an overwhelming sense of hope; faith in the One who redeems us.

Love you guys,

Jake

as i stumble out of the week...

“Ah come on, Adrian, it's true. I was nobody. But that don't matter either, you know? 'Cause I was thinkin', it really don't matter if I lose this fight. It really don't matter if this guy opens my head, either. 'Cause all I wanna do is go the distance. Nobody's ever gone the distance with Creed, and if I can go that distance, you see, and that bell rings and I'm still standin', I'm gonna know for the first time in my life, see, that I weren't just another bum from the neighborhood.”

- Sylvester Stallone (Rocky)

I have had the privilege in my lifetime to live with a Rockyholic. In case you are unfamiliar with this term (don’t worry, so is Webster’s), this is someone who not only quotes Rocky quotes but who can incorporate them into real life as if they were that persons original words – spoken for the first time.

This is my best friend Warren.

Now, although I have only managed to see bits and pieces of Rocky, I feel as if I am an owner of the limited edition box set. There is something truly remarkable about the lessons learned from one man who literally rises out of nothing to become a hero to the underdog. As Christians, although I am most definitely not replacing scripture, there is a lot we can learn from Rocky.

This week I had the privilege of directing (along with two other lovely ladies) a film embodying the Old Testament. This was an entire class project – and so early on the stress of accommodating twenty four differing opinions weighed very heavily. Between chopping up scripts, finding locations, and struggling to find some continuity, I found myself dead by Tuesday afternoon. The picture below is of me directing the opening scene (obviously creation).



But – I must digress for a moment. You see, I have talked a lot on this blog about how God has been graciously redeeming me. How he has been changing my desires into His desires. So here I am, in a room full of people talking about the necessity for more fight scenes in the movie and I can just walk out and say, “screw it” right then and there.

Or.

I can surrender to God. I can stop being a prideful arrogant jerk and pass of responsibilities to more my than capable co-directors. I can smile; I can genuinely laugh as I watch some genuinely funny people perform.

I have been training all year – and all I want to do is go the full twelve rounds to prove that I’m not the same bum of a kid who left Newmarket six months ago.

In his letter to the church in Corinth Paul writes, “Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.” (1 Cor. 16:13)

Act like men.

I can just picture Paul yelling this. The church in Corinth, although known for their debauchery, was experiencing tremendous growth. Congregations full of prostitutes, tax collectors, and...

Bums from the neighbourhood.

As much as I want to tell you I went the full twelve rounds this week - I can’t.
As much as I want to stand with my feet on the turnbuckle and hear the crowd chant my name – I can’t.

Because we know that when Paul says, “be strong”, he does so knowing what David wrote.“The LORD is my strength and my shield.” (Psalm 28:7)

So in the midst of that chaotic room I gave it up to God; desperately wanting to prove myself, like Rocky, that I wasn’t some shmuck. But without God I am a shmuck – and that’s the truth of it.

Long story short, movie gets completed, and once again God proves his awesome majesty and grace in my life. He has been so good. I ask that you would continue to pray that I would be obedient to the calling of God on my life.

Oh, one more thing – Happy Birthday Warren.

Jacob

p.s. the movie I just spoke about “The O.T.” will be up shortly on the main Kaleo Six blog, www.kaleosix.blogspot.com

dear friends.

“Maybe that’s what he means when he says, “Do this in remembrance of me.” The “do this” part is our lives. Opening ourselves up to the mystery of resurrection, open for the liberation of others, allowing our bodies to be broken and our blood to be poured, discovering our Eucharist. Listening. And going. Because when we do this in remembrance of him, the world will never be the same; we will never be the same.”
-Rob Bell & Don Golden (Jesus Wants to Save Christians: A Manifesto for the Church in Exile)

I have a feeling that I might get more responses for the source of my quote (Rob Bell), than for the content of this blog – oh well. Lately I have been feeling that I have become impersonal and stand offish in my blogs, for that I apologize.

It’s been a really hard week for me. Now, my tone when I say that is not “woe is me” but, “praise the Lord.” As I mentioned in last week’s blog, God has been making it continuously obvious to me where I fall short in the area of faith. And now, as I go through the Old Testament (for OT Lit class), I find myself studying a God who couldn’t possibly be the one I worship. Could he?

I tried for the longest time to suppress those doubts – covering them with some lame rational I conjured up in my mind using reason – always reason. Millard Erickson wrote, in one of his introductory level Christian doctrine books, about the gift of reason that distinguishes humans from all other creatures.

Ironic.

That very thing that has been bestowed upon us as a gift is the very thing that deters us from acknowledging the Giver.

An area where a lot of my (very finite) “brain power” has been allocated recently is in the understanding of the Eucharist. One of the blessings I am finding of attending an Anglican Church this year is the weekly observance of the Eucharist. And in that book quoted above, Rob and Don speak on the importance for the Eucharist to not only permeate into a momentary state of remembrance, but into our lives. Paul tells us to, “follow him as he follows Christ.” (1 Cor. 11:1).

I wonder how literal Paul took his following of Christ. Surely we are not called to follow Him to the point of embarrassment, to the point of death?

And so it is beginning to dawn on me, that as I eat of His body and drink of His blood – a feeling of gratitude should be met with an equal feeling of conviction, of encouragement, of sorrow for the oppressed. In the book, Rob and Don told the reader to try and partake in the Eucharist with those who you are holding grudges against – those feelings of animosity wouldn’t last long.

Like other blogs past, I feel as if this blog is best written in few words. So I thank you, for your prayers – I ask that you would continue to persist in your prayers with me before God, come on – I’m quoting Rob Bell – obviously I need them.

Just a joke.

hope and faith.

"But Jacob stayed behind by himself, and a man wrestled with him until daybreak. When the man saw that he couldn't get the best of Jacob as they wrestled, he deliberately threw Jacob's hip out of joint. The man said, "Let me go; it's daybreak." Jacob said, "I'm not letting you go 'til you bless me." The man said, "What's your name?" He answered, "Jacob." The man said, "But no longer. Your name is no longer Jacob. From now on it's Israel (God-Wrestler); you've wrestled with God and you've come through."

Genesis 32: 22-29 (The Message)

These past few days have been very interesting ones. Coming off four days of 24 hour prayer, God has been at work in the thoughts and hearts of many here at Kaleo; stories of God’s peace touching the frantic, His love impacting the disheartened, and His nature confusing the “wise”.

I would love to put myself in the category of someone who felt God’s peace – I didn’t. It would have been awesome to have God’s peace calm my heart – it didn’t. Instead – I found myself in each one of my prayer times literally pacing the room, desperately engaging God. Even now as I write this blog I have trouble verbalizing what happened – what’s happening.

Lately, I have been praying for a lot of direction, asking God to provide and make himself evident in certain aspects of my life. On occasion, mostly when I feel like it, I will worship and thank God for the things he has done – but not as often as I would like.

This struggle, this uneasy tension, reminds me a lot of the story of Jacob. Here is a man who physically wrestled with God – a man who wrestled with the Creator of the Universe. Not only does he wrestle with Him, he has the audacity to ask God for a blessing. Now, I don’t know about you but if God had me in an arm-bar I’m pretty sure I would not take that opportune moment to ask a quick favour. What is even more shocking is that God complies.

What?

At first this is very confusing, but when I let go of all my preconceived notions of how God works, it starts to become clearer.

Firstly, I think God loves it when we wrestle, when we engage Him. David, a man God called after “His own heart”, has writing hundred of Psalms of lament, supplication, and pleas. Recently, I just went through a crisis with one of my friends and coming out on the other end I know things are better between us than two weeks ago. The process was not easy and pleasant, but there is something so raw and good about wrestling with issues, confronting friends.

Secondly, God wants us to prevail. He wants us to come out of the other end of that wrestling match with a renewed vigour. The problem lies – and as I write this it is becoming clearer – in the fact that sometimes we don’t want to come out the other end. Personally, I would like to hold onto everything I can to complain about before God. We dwell in our “woe is me” state for so long that we actually start to believe it. This is the power of darkness, and the only way to come out of it is to deny yourself. Period.

A friend once told me change is like growing asparagus. You can water them, give them lots of sunlight, and even talk to them. But you may not see anything external, anything visible. That is, until one day, before you know it you’ve got asparagus.

I write this now with hope and faith.

Hope that God will prevail.

Faith that God will bring me out of this with a renewed desire for nothing of me and everything of Him.

Hope that God is working at St. John’s in ways I cannot see or put measure too, and faith that it is in ways that are beyond my limitations and calculation.

Dear brothers and sisters I would invite you to pray for me. Pray that this time of wrestling would ultimately bear good fruit for the glory of God.

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!” (Phil 4:4)

Jake

a good day...

“His conversion (Brother Lawrence), which took place when he was about eighteen years old, was the result, under God, of the mere sight in midwinter, of a dry and leafless tree, and of the reflections it stirred respecting the change the coming spring would bring. From that time he grew eminently in the knowledge and love of God, endeavouring constantly to walk “as in his presence”.

-Excerpt from “The Practice of the Presence of God” (by Brother Lawrence)

Lately I have found myself doing some good things. Firstly, I have kicked my energy drink addiction due to both health and financial constraints. Secondly, I have resolved to do my laundry before it becomes a suitable ecosystem for fungi and other biological life. And thirdly, and probably most importantly, I have been living daily lately.

I know that may sound silly, to “live daily”. You may say such things as, “but Jake, I am alive on a daily basis, I’m not sure where you’re going with this...” But to say such a thing would be a failure to recognize (or possibly not) the pace that we run our lives at, with thoughts that are neither currently applicable or have a low probability of becoming relevant before you lay your head to rest.

We have heard it said, “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”(Matt. 6:34) And then, like most of the gospel, under the name of “contextualization”, we gloss this truth over with less forceful, more tolerant words; words that tell you that worrying about tomorrow is not only acceptable, but an attribute of wisdom. Heck, I would love to see the fancy footwork of one of those apocalyptic junkies as they danced around this one.

Recently I came across a picture that Time Magazine had cited as one of the most profound of 2008.




In case you are unfamiliar with the man picture above, it is Warren Buffet, one of the world’s richest men – an investing guru. Here is a man who serves as an idol for our culture, someone who had nothing and got it all, right? Yet, as he waits for his shareholders meeting to get underway he finds himself checking his watch – click – and for that millisecond the great Warren Buffet gives us some deep insight into the frailty of life.

With this in mind I set out for a walk the other day with a friend, and on this walk I thought of nothing but today. I thought of all the people who need to be told they are loved. I thought of all the people I had been neglecting, all the people I was too busy to sit down with.

And you know what; I found that Jesus was right. In that moment I was overcome with all that needed to be done that day – just that day. It would be as if a man was in a battle with an enemy soldier and the entire time his thoughts were on the soldiers to come, he wouldn’t make it past that soldier, he would die.

I don’t think Jesus was giving us a suggestion – a tip, He was letting on to a much more vital piece of information;

How to live.

How to take each breath.

How to seek first his kingdom and his righteousness (Matt 6:33)

Lately I have found myself becoming greatly discouraged in my ministry at St. John’s, finding myself confused and unable to see my purpose in this congregation. I am finding that living moment by moment with the God of the Universe is the only way I will be able to love the people of St. John’s, and God has been revealing this to me – even as I write this now I am finding clarity that did not exist half an hour ago.

So pray. “...so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.” (Eph 3:17-21)

Thanks again dear brothers and sister,

Jake

Living in the Kadosh Hakadashim...

And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit. At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split. The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life.

Matthew 27:50 – 52

So I was washing my hands in the bathroom the other day (that one’s for you mom) when a friend of mine came in who had recently attended a worship service in Victoria. When I asked Him how it was he remarked on the joy that can be found when the music is so loud your voice is completely lost. I smiled, concurred, and then went back to class, but my friends comment got me thinking.

What would it be like to be completely surrounded by the presence of God – to be engulfed by Him? How would that change the way I live, think, and dream?

In the Bible it speaks of such a place, a place where the strong became weak, the proud –humble.

Kadosh Hakadashim, the Holy of Holies, the Most Holy Place.

Every year at Yom Kippur the High Priest, and only the High Priest, would pass through a curtain in the temple and enter into the Holy of Holies - with a lower priest gripping onto a rope that was attached to the ankle of the High Priest, why you ask? Well in case the sacrifice was performed improperly and the High Priest had to be smitten of course (in which case the other priests would not have to enter the Holy of Holies but rather could drag him out).

My first reaction was to wrap my head around this, to comprehend the glory that was being revealed that caused these men, these spiritual leaders, to keel over and die. Wait though, that can’t be the God I know, can it?

When Jesus died the curtain was torn. Men who had trembled at the mentioning of Kadosh Hakadashim, could now see what was behind the curtain, and it must have been a disappointment. This veil was a symbol of distinction between man and God - between us and Him.

Now don’t get me wrong – I am beyond grateful, beyond appreciative for the atonement of our sins, but lately (in my humanness) I’ve been wondering. What would it be like to be so insignificant, so weak, so frail – in the presence of God? And why, if I worship the same God who took residence inside this Holy Place, why has my reverence subsided? Why has my humility not increased in light of who He is? Why am I still as arrogant, as proud, and as boastful as I was yesterday?

In no way is this year about me. It is not about the kids I will come alongside at church, the people I will reach on the streets of New York, it is about a God who can do “abundantly more than we can ask or imagine” (Eph. 4:20).

I am not a good person. In the sight of God our “righteous acts” are considered used menstrual rags (Isaiah 64:6).

The One who will love the people of St. John’s will not be me.

The One who will weep when faced with the realities of Brooklyn, will not be me.

When I cry because of a brother in anguish, those will not be my tears.

When I stand against opression - the enemy, those will not be my legs.

"He must increase, but I must decrease" (John 3:30).

So dear brothers and sisters I ask that you pray for me – not that I would find out who I am, what I can do – but that God would remain consistent in his grace, considering me worthy to hurt for the ones he loves.

an unscheduled and ungraded post...

To the avid fans who check this blog religously (can I say that?) this post might throw a hiccup into your routine. So this will act as a warning for any OCD sufferers that this might just be a wrench in your meticulous life.

Today I had the privledge of just existing. It is one that I abuse the other 364 days of the year, but today I just was. Lately I have been feeling the strain of this awkward time where there is no class but we are still here. I say awkward because I enjoy this place immensely but its time to go home...for a while at least.

So as I wait things out here I found God calling me back to just spend time with Him. Not in an extremely overt way, through prayer or scripture reading for example, but in reading for pleasure - in writing with the only goal of filling pages upon pages with your thoughts, allegories, and quirks.

With this, God has been calling me back to some of my earlier passions. When you are surrounded by Godly men who are working at furthering the Kingdom in North America you begin to think. I saw the wisdom and knowledge these guys possessed and began to think of myself in their shoes - as doing something like they do. In itself I don't think this is inherently wrong, but I began to try to squeeze myself into the mold of these men and not Jesus. So I wrote off my passion for the Middle East, my passion for adventure, for danger - all in the name of becoming a man of God. But thats exactly where I went wrong, isn't it?

Becoming a man of God is not becoming a man of Mark Driscoll, a man of John Piper, a man of Jim Badke.

In Hebrews it writes of the great cloud of witnesses (Hebrews 12)and how they act as encouragement so that we can, "(fix) our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of faith..."

I got so lost in the witnesses that I began to lose sight of the author and perfector.

So maybe I'm not going to wait things out here - maybe I'll spend this next week passionately desiring the Lord of the Universe. I can now say, with more understanding than previously, that He is good. All the time.

Again, to you who have joined me in this rollercoaster, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Jake

the eleventh hour...

But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called "Today," so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.

Hebrews 3:13

It’s been an interesting week in the area of ministry here at Kaleo. First and foremost our days were filled with Church Ministry, a course that would interest even the most particular of believers. It is always difficult to come to a consensus when dealing with something that is divine – yet human, and this was reflected in the lack of absolutes that were developed over the course of this class. It frustrated the crap out of me...in a good way, does that make sense?

So with a brain resembling an intense seniors boggle game, I headed into my weekend with a full work schedule – balancing kitchen work, dishes, and barista responsibilities can have its toll, I am currently writing this under the influence of artificial energy. One moment stuck out amidst the chaos though.

I walked in on the end of one of the sessions with the speaker; the speaker finished his talk and then invited the worship team up. As the music began there was something different. I’m not referring to an overwhelming amount of baritone voices, but something much more significant. As a person who desires to be a man of God, it is so encouraging to stand at the back of a room and see hands rise to praise God. Not just arms accented by cuff links and gold watches, but arms that were tattooed, wrinkled, dirty, all equal before the throne of God. I use to think that when boys became men they grew in maturity and turned away from foolish ways, though I`ve come to find very little truth to this though, I was shaken at the faith these men displayed. It went far beyond the raising of the hands, but throughout the weekend – I cannot stress this enough, I felt a deep tangible encouragement by these men who were truly acting as God had made them.

To be a man of God is not a theory. I`m learning that regardless of what we hold in our heart as our deepest convictions, if those are not manifested in our world than we are not men. We are simply boys who refuse to take responsibility, and by the grace of God, build His kingdom. I am feeling tugged in this area of my life. A lover of theology, debate, and discussion, I am finding myself with insufficient funds in the area of action. I love talking about love, but showing it? I read somewhere that faith without deeds is dead.

So I find myself staring at my computer screen writing about it. Pray that the words on this blog are not just that, words. This blog post is short, and I think I’m ok with that.

Thanks again,

Jake

the ten commandments...

Who among you is wise and understanding? Let him show by his good behaviour his deeds in the gentleness of wisdom.

James 3:13

I’m not sure if you know this, but I’m pretty hardcore. Now wait, I don’t mean hardcore in the sense you’re assuming. I am most moved by teachers who preach raw and tough truths. I am either wholly out of something – or wholly into something. Ask my mom. I had a conveyor belt of fads growing up, granted they wouldn’t last past the weekend, but for that period of time...I was hardcore.

This past Saturday I decided to neglect my pressing paper (don’t worry Dad I got it done), and went to a retirement home down the road. Having just finished watching a Mark Driscoll sermon, if you know this preacher, you know you seldom leave one his sermons with neutral feelings. He’s one of the best in provoking a reaction – and I was pumped. I strolled from the car (with a little strut) and whipped open the door to Oceanside Retirement Centre. This was not wise.

I am no physician, but I thought I felt an abnormal heartbeat of poor Mavis as I plopped down beside here, eager for conversation. My rapid fire question style, “Where are you from? How’d you get here? Are you going to eat those bananas?” led to a quick formal conversation. As we sat awkwardly looking at the ocean I felt God telling me to breathe.

And in...and out. Deep breathe.

I have ignored a lot of truth because it wasn’t conveyed in gentleness. Why is that? Is it not still truth? We have these flaws, don’t we? As soon as someone starts speaking who we don’t respect, we turn off. When someone is in my face my human nature is fight or flight. In the same way are we abusing the Word and truth of God by presenting it in a monotone, and dry package?

I was reading a book this year for class and I wanted to stab myself in the eyes. But, I kept telling myself, no this is truth so push through. And that is going to happen; there will be dry authors that speak truth. But is this what God intended? If we look at the Bible, we have epic battle tales, romantic poetry, comedic stories, dramatic stories...magnificent stories. Maybe I’ve grown up in a visual generation, with Youtube, with HD TV, and Facebook, a lot of my intolerance for these authors probably stems from my nurture. Regardless, if the church is striving to be relevant, the way it communicates must change.

This brings me to youth at St. John’s this week. This week we split genders and guys stayed at the church while the ladies headed elsewhere. Before we got our ‘manliness’ on, we watched a video. Now to understand my feelings towards this video we have to go deep into the past and open some old wounds. I have beef with Focus on the Family, and there is a word limit on this blog post, so I won’t go into it. But know they have been a thorn in my side since early adolescence. As this video, on the topic of sex (obviously on guys night), told horror story after horror story as people in the midst of the mid – 90’s spoke on why abstinence could have changed their life, I sat stunned. Not at the message, I was in agreement, but at the way it was portrayed in a cookie cutter, right – wing, judgemental, and condemning way, that our faith has become synonymous with.

I am noticing that the tone, the words I use, the way I convey them, is almost as important as the message itself.

1 Corinthians 9:21-23 says this, “To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.”

For prayer this week I ask that you may pray that God would teach me to be versatile. That I would not be afraid to look weak, silly, or (heaven forbid) like a kid. A theme of humility is permeating this year, and I have a feeling it will continue.

Once again, your prayers and encouragement are a gift from God, thank you so much.

Jake

bottom of the ninth...

But you walked away from your first love—why? What's going on with you, anyway? Do you have any idea how far you've fallen? A Lucifer fall! "Turn back! Recover your dear early love. No time to waste, for I'm well on my way to removing your light from the golden circle.

Rev. 2:4-5 (The Message)

I'll start this blog post by speaking allegorically. You know when your walking through dense brush (and yes I know, using "dense brush" in an allegory is proof of my surroundings already) and you get all these branches, are tripped up by logs, and the occasional spider webs finds its way into your mouth? You have a goal in mind - you love the forest, you love what the forest means but sometimes we get so wrapped up and bothered about whats in the forest and we forget about the forest itself - we lose sight of the bigger picture.

Bible college is a dense brush.

As I wrestle through the challenges of proposed doctrines, investigate deeper into Greek and Hebrew origin, and attempt to wrap my head around theology - I am beginning to lose sight of Jesus. I am losing sight of love.

Yesterday was my first hour time slot in the prayer room here at Kaleo and that verse in Revelations was nagging me the entire time. I say nagging because in all honesty I would much rather prefer to consider myself above simple forgetfulness, above that beginner stuff. But God has been revealing to me the many flaws in my foundation. I pondered the doctrine of election before I pondered the idea of giving that homeless guy my sandwhich.

There is something profoundly, deeply, and perversely wrong with that.

So as I sat in the prayer room I looked at the pictures of all the students on the wall, and as I prayed for each one I realized how little love I had for this community, for these people, and it sucked. I wish I could use a better word but a simple and obvious word tends to work best for simple and obvious experiences. Wasn't it Jesus who said that anyone can love someone who loves them, and that true love is loving your enemy?

If this is true - which I consider the words of Jesus to be - than this affects me. In all likelyhood it probably affects you as well. Often if I find myself at odds with someone I quickly pull out and build fantastical arguments against them in my head, why it is ok for me to not like them - they obviously have some stuff they need to work on. And that's just liking people, dear God - am I ready for loving people?

I'm not sure what this looks like - to love people, in all honesty I'm not. And thats tough to type coming from someone who has heard of love for his entire life. Like most things this year I figure it is going to be something I am going to wrestle through...He just couldn't throw me a freebie eh?

So as I journey in prayer this week I would ask that you would come alongside - holding up myself, and the Kaleo community here. I pray 6am - 7am Tuesday morning (which is less than five hours away), 11am-12pm Wendesday, and 3pm-4pm on Thursday. On Friday I have been asked to lead the final chapel for this week so I ask that you would be in prayer for that as well, asking God to give me direction for this chapel and that it would in no way be to glorify me but in all ways glorify Him.

Again, thank you, thank you, thank you - for journeying with me thus far this year.

Love,

Jake