hope and faith.

"But Jacob stayed behind by himself, and a man wrestled with him until daybreak. When the man saw that he couldn't get the best of Jacob as they wrestled, he deliberately threw Jacob's hip out of joint. The man said, "Let me go; it's daybreak." Jacob said, "I'm not letting you go 'til you bless me." The man said, "What's your name?" He answered, "Jacob." The man said, "But no longer. Your name is no longer Jacob. From now on it's Israel (God-Wrestler); you've wrestled with God and you've come through."

Genesis 32: 22-29 (The Message)

These past few days have been very interesting ones. Coming off four days of 24 hour prayer, God has been at work in the thoughts and hearts of many here at Kaleo; stories of God’s peace touching the frantic, His love impacting the disheartened, and His nature confusing the “wise”.

I would love to put myself in the category of someone who felt God’s peace – I didn’t. It would have been awesome to have God’s peace calm my heart – it didn’t. Instead – I found myself in each one of my prayer times literally pacing the room, desperately engaging God. Even now as I write this blog I have trouble verbalizing what happened – what’s happening.

Lately, I have been praying for a lot of direction, asking God to provide and make himself evident in certain aspects of my life. On occasion, mostly when I feel like it, I will worship and thank God for the things he has done – but not as often as I would like.

This struggle, this uneasy tension, reminds me a lot of the story of Jacob. Here is a man who physically wrestled with God – a man who wrestled with the Creator of the Universe. Not only does he wrestle with Him, he has the audacity to ask God for a blessing. Now, I don’t know about you but if God had me in an arm-bar I’m pretty sure I would not take that opportune moment to ask a quick favour. What is even more shocking is that God complies.

What?

At first this is very confusing, but when I let go of all my preconceived notions of how God works, it starts to become clearer.

Firstly, I think God loves it when we wrestle, when we engage Him. David, a man God called after “His own heart”, has writing hundred of Psalms of lament, supplication, and pleas. Recently, I just went through a crisis with one of my friends and coming out on the other end I know things are better between us than two weeks ago. The process was not easy and pleasant, but there is something so raw and good about wrestling with issues, confronting friends.

Secondly, God wants us to prevail. He wants us to come out of the other end of that wrestling match with a renewed vigour. The problem lies – and as I write this it is becoming clearer – in the fact that sometimes we don’t want to come out the other end. Personally, I would like to hold onto everything I can to complain about before God. We dwell in our “woe is me” state for so long that we actually start to believe it. This is the power of darkness, and the only way to come out of it is to deny yourself. Period.

A friend once told me change is like growing asparagus. You can water them, give them lots of sunlight, and even talk to them. But you may not see anything external, anything visible. That is, until one day, before you know it you’ve got asparagus.

I write this now with hope and faith.

Hope that God will prevail.

Faith that God will bring me out of this with a renewed desire for nothing of me and everything of Him.

Hope that God is working at St. John’s in ways I cannot see or put measure too, and faith that it is in ways that are beyond my limitations and calculation.

Dear brothers and sisters I would invite you to pray for me. Pray that this time of wrestling would ultimately bear good fruit for the glory of God.

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!” (Phil 4:4)

Jake

a good day...

“His conversion (Brother Lawrence), which took place when he was about eighteen years old, was the result, under God, of the mere sight in midwinter, of a dry and leafless tree, and of the reflections it stirred respecting the change the coming spring would bring. From that time he grew eminently in the knowledge and love of God, endeavouring constantly to walk “as in his presence”.

-Excerpt from “The Practice of the Presence of God” (by Brother Lawrence)

Lately I have found myself doing some good things. Firstly, I have kicked my energy drink addiction due to both health and financial constraints. Secondly, I have resolved to do my laundry before it becomes a suitable ecosystem for fungi and other biological life. And thirdly, and probably most importantly, I have been living daily lately.

I know that may sound silly, to “live daily”. You may say such things as, “but Jake, I am alive on a daily basis, I’m not sure where you’re going with this...” But to say such a thing would be a failure to recognize (or possibly not) the pace that we run our lives at, with thoughts that are neither currently applicable or have a low probability of becoming relevant before you lay your head to rest.

We have heard it said, “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”(Matt. 6:34) And then, like most of the gospel, under the name of “contextualization”, we gloss this truth over with less forceful, more tolerant words; words that tell you that worrying about tomorrow is not only acceptable, but an attribute of wisdom. Heck, I would love to see the fancy footwork of one of those apocalyptic junkies as they danced around this one.

Recently I came across a picture that Time Magazine had cited as one of the most profound of 2008.




In case you are unfamiliar with the man picture above, it is Warren Buffet, one of the world’s richest men – an investing guru. Here is a man who serves as an idol for our culture, someone who had nothing and got it all, right? Yet, as he waits for his shareholders meeting to get underway he finds himself checking his watch – click – and for that millisecond the great Warren Buffet gives us some deep insight into the frailty of life.

With this in mind I set out for a walk the other day with a friend, and on this walk I thought of nothing but today. I thought of all the people who need to be told they are loved. I thought of all the people I had been neglecting, all the people I was too busy to sit down with.

And you know what; I found that Jesus was right. In that moment I was overcome with all that needed to be done that day – just that day. It would be as if a man was in a battle with an enemy soldier and the entire time his thoughts were on the soldiers to come, he wouldn’t make it past that soldier, he would die.

I don’t think Jesus was giving us a suggestion – a tip, He was letting on to a much more vital piece of information;

How to live.

How to take each breath.

How to seek first his kingdom and his righteousness (Matt 6:33)

Lately I have found myself becoming greatly discouraged in my ministry at St. John’s, finding myself confused and unable to see my purpose in this congregation. I am finding that living moment by moment with the God of the Universe is the only way I will be able to love the people of St. John’s, and God has been revealing this to me – even as I write this now I am finding clarity that did not exist half an hour ago.

So pray. “...so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.” (Eph 3:17-21)

Thanks again dear brothers and sister,

Jake

Living in the Kadosh Hakadashim...

And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit. At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split. The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life.

Matthew 27:50 – 52

So I was washing my hands in the bathroom the other day (that one’s for you mom) when a friend of mine came in who had recently attended a worship service in Victoria. When I asked Him how it was he remarked on the joy that can be found when the music is so loud your voice is completely lost. I smiled, concurred, and then went back to class, but my friends comment got me thinking.

What would it be like to be completely surrounded by the presence of God – to be engulfed by Him? How would that change the way I live, think, and dream?

In the Bible it speaks of such a place, a place where the strong became weak, the proud –humble.

Kadosh Hakadashim, the Holy of Holies, the Most Holy Place.

Every year at Yom Kippur the High Priest, and only the High Priest, would pass through a curtain in the temple and enter into the Holy of Holies - with a lower priest gripping onto a rope that was attached to the ankle of the High Priest, why you ask? Well in case the sacrifice was performed improperly and the High Priest had to be smitten of course (in which case the other priests would not have to enter the Holy of Holies but rather could drag him out).

My first reaction was to wrap my head around this, to comprehend the glory that was being revealed that caused these men, these spiritual leaders, to keel over and die. Wait though, that can’t be the God I know, can it?

When Jesus died the curtain was torn. Men who had trembled at the mentioning of Kadosh Hakadashim, could now see what was behind the curtain, and it must have been a disappointment. This veil was a symbol of distinction between man and God - between us and Him.

Now don’t get me wrong – I am beyond grateful, beyond appreciative for the atonement of our sins, but lately (in my humanness) I’ve been wondering. What would it be like to be so insignificant, so weak, so frail – in the presence of God? And why, if I worship the same God who took residence inside this Holy Place, why has my reverence subsided? Why has my humility not increased in light of who He is? Why am I still as arrogant, as proud, and as boastful as I was yesterday?

In no way is this year about me. It is not about the kids I will come alongside at church, the people I will reach on the streets of New York, it is about a God who can do “abundantly more than we can ask or imagine” (Eph. 4:20).

I am not a good person. In the sight of God our “righteous acts” are considered used menstrual rags (Isaiah 64:6).

The One who will love the people of St. John’s will not be me.

The One who will weep when faced with the realities of Brooklyn, will not be me.

When I cry because of a brother in anguish, those will not be my tears.

When I stand against opression - the enemy, those will not be my legs.

"He must increase, but I must decrease" (John 3:30).

So dear brothers and sisters I ask that you pray for me – not that I would find out who I am, what I can do – but that God would remain consistent in his grace, considering me worthy to hurt for the ones he loves.

an unscheduled and ungraded post...

To the avid fans who check this blog religously (can I say that?) this post might throw a hiccup into your routine. So this will act as a warning for any OCD sufferers that this might just be a wrench in your meticulous life.

Today I had the privledge of just existing. It is one that I abuse the other 364 days of the year, but today I just was. Lately I have been feeling the strain of this awkward time where there is no class but we are still here. I say awkward because I enjoy this place immensely but its time to go home...for a while at least.

So as I wait things out here I found God calling me back to just spend time with Him. Not in an extremely overt way, through prayer or scripture reading for example, but in reading for pleasure - in writing with the only goal of filling pages upon pages with your thoughts, allegories, and quirks.

With this, God has been calling me back to some of my earlier passions. When you are surrounded by Godly men who are working at furthering the Kingdom in North America you begin to think. I saw the wisdom and knowledge these guys possessed and began to think of myself in their shoes - as doing something like they do. In itself I don't think this is inherently wrong, but I began to try to squeeze myself into the mold of these men and not Jesus. So I wrote off my passion for the Middle East, my passion for adventure, for danger - all in the name of becoming a man of God. But thats exactly where I went wrong, isn't it?

Becoming a man of God is not becoming a man of Mark Driscoll, a man of John Piper, a man of Jim Badke.

In Hebrews it writes of the great cloud of witnesses (Hebrews 12)and how they act as encouragement so that we can, "(fix) our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of faith..."

I got so lost in the witnesses that I began to lose sight of the author and perfector.

So maybe I'm not going to wait things out here - maybe I'll spend this next week passionately desiring the Lord of the Universe. I can now say, with more understanding than previously, that He is good. All the time.

Again, to you who have joined me in this rollercoaster, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Jake

the eleventh hour...

But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called "Today," so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.

Hebrews 3:13

It’s been an interesting week in the area of ministry here at Kaleo. First and foremost our days were filled with Church Ministry, a course that would interest even the most particular of believers. It is always difficult to come to a consensus when dealing with something that is divine – yet human, and this was reflected in the lack of absolutes that were developed over the course of this class. It frustrated the crap out of me...in a good way, does that make sense?

So with a brain resembling an intense seniors boggle game, I headed into my weekend with a full work schedule – balancing kitchen work, dishes, and barista responsibilities can have its toll, I am currently writing this under the influence of artificial energy. One moment stuck out amidst the chaos though.

I walked in on the end of one of the sessions with the speaker; the speaker finished his talk and then invited the worship team up. As the music began there was something different. I’m not referring to an overwhelming amount of baritone voices, but something much more significant. As a person who desires to be a man of God, it is so encouraging to stand at the back of a room and see hands rise to praise God. Not just arms accented by cuff links and gold watches, but arms that were tattooed, wrinkled, dirty, all equal before the throne of God. I use to think that when boys became men they grew in maturity and turned away from foolish ways, though I`ve come to find very little truth to this though, I was shaken at the faith these men displayed. It went far beyond the raising of the hands, but throughout the weekend – I cannot stress this enough, I felt a deep tangible encouragement by these men who were truly acting as God had made them.

To be a man of God is not a theory. I`m learning that regardless of what we hold in our heart as our deepest convictions, if those are not manifested in our world than we are not men. We are simply boys who refuse to take responsibility, and by the grace of God, build His kingdom. I am feeling tugged in this area of my life. A lover of theology, debate, and discussion, I am finding myself with insufficient funds in the area of action. I love talking about love, but showing it? I read somewhere that faith without deeds is dead.

So I find myself staring at my computer screen writing about it. Pray that the words on this blog are not just that, words. This blog post is short, and I think I’m ok with that.

Thanks again,

Jake

the ten commandments...

Who among you is wise and understanding? Let him show by his good behaviour his deeds in the gentleness of wisdom.

James 3:13

I’m not sure if you know this, but I’m pretty hardcore. Now wait, I don’t mean hardcore in the sense you’re assuming. I am most moved by teachers who preach raw and tough truths. I am either wholly out of something – or wholly into something. Ask my mom. I had a conveyor belt of fads growing up, granted they wouldn’t last past the weekend, but for that period of time...I was hardcore.

This past Saturday I decided to neglect my pressing paper (don’t worry Dad I got it done), and went to a retirement home down the road. Having just finished watching a Mark Driscoll sermon, if you know this preacher, you know you seldom leave one his sermons with neutral feelings. He’s one of the best in provoking a reaction – and I was pumped. I strolled from the car (with a little strut) and whipped open the door to Oceanside Retirement Centre. This was not wise.

I am no physician, but I thought I felt an abnormal heartbeat of poor Mavis as I plopped down beside here, eager for conversation. My rapid fire question style, “Where are you from? How’d you get here? Are you going to eat those bananas?” led to a quick formal conversation. As we sat awkwardly looking at the ocean I felt God telling me to breathe.

And in...and out. Deep breathe.

I have ignored a lot of truth because it wasn’t conveyed in gentleness. Why is that? Is it not still truth? We have these flaws, don’t we? As soon as someone starts speaking who we don’t respect, we turn off. When someone is in my face my human nature is fight or flight. In the same way are we abusing the Word and truth of God by presenting it in a monotone, and dry package?

I was reading a book this year for class and I wanted to stab myself in the eyes. But, I kept telling myself, no this is truth so push through. And that is going to happen; there will be dry authors that speak truth. But is this what God intended? If we look at the Bible, we have epic battle tales, romantic poetry, comedic stories, dramatic stories...magnificent stories. Maybe I’ve grown up in a visual generation, with Youtube, with HD TV, and Facebook, a lot of my intolerance for these authors probably stems from my nurture. Regardless, if the church is striving to be relevant, the way it communicates must change.

This brings me to youth at St. John’s this week. This week we split genders and guys stayed at the church while the ladies headed elsewhere. Before we got our ‘manliness’ on, we watched a video. Now to understand my feelings towards this video we have to go deep into the past and open some old wounds. I have beef with Focus on the Family, and there is a word limit on this blog post, so I won’t go into it. But know they have been a thorn in my side since early adolescence. As this video, on the topic of sex (obviously on guys night), told horror story after horror story as people in the midst of the mid – 90’s spoke on why abstinence could have changed their life, I sat stunned. Not at the message, I was in agreement, but at the way it was portrayed in a cookie cutter, right – wing, judgemental, and condemning way, that our faith has become synonymous with.

I am noticing that the tone, the words I use, the way I convey them, is almost as important as the message itself.

1 Corinthians 9:21-23 says this, “To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.”

For prayer this week I ask that you may pray that God would teach me to be versatile. That I would not be afraid to look weak, silly, or (heaven forbid) like a kid. A theme of humility is permeating this year, and I have a feeling it will continue.

Once again, your prayers and encouragement are a gift from God, thank you so much.

Jake

bottom of the ninth...

But you walked away from your first love—why? What's going on with you, anyway? Do you have any idea how far you've fallen? A Lucifer fall! "Turn back! Recover your dear early love. No time to waste, for I'm well on my way to removing your light from the golden circle.

Rev. 2:4-5 (The Message)

I'll start this blog post by speaking allegorically. You know when your walking through dense brush (and yes I know, using "dense brush" in an allegory is proof of my surroundings already) and you get all these branches, are tripped up by logs, and the occasional spider webs finds its way into your mouth? You have a goal in mind - you love the forest, you love what the forest means but sometimes we get so wrapped up and bothered about whats in the forest and we forget about the forest itself - we lose sight of the bigger picture.

Bible college is a dense brush.

As I wrestle through the challenges of proposed doctrines, investigate deeper into Greek and Hebrew origin, and attempt to wrap my head around theology - I am beginning to lose sight of Jesus. I am losing sight of love.

Yesterday was my first hour time slot in the prayer room here at Kaleo and that verse in Revelations was nagging me the entire time. I say nagging because in all honesty I would much rather prefer to consider myself above simple forgetfulness, above that beginner stuff. But God has been revealing to me the many flaws in my foundation. I pondered the doctrine of election before I pondered the idea of giving that homeless guy my sandwhich.

There is something profoundly, deeply, and perversely wrong with that.

So as I sat in the prayer room I looked at the pictures of all the students on the wall, and as I prayed for each one I realized how little love I had for this community, for these people, and it sucked. I wish I could use a better word but a simple and obvious word tends to work best for simple and obvious experiences. Wasn't it Jesus who said that anyone can love someone who loves them, and that true love is loving your enemy?

If this is true - which I consider the words of Jesus to be - than this affects me. In all likelyhood it probably affects you as well. Often if I find myself at odds with someone I quickly pull out and build fantastical arguments against them in my head, why it is ok for me to not like them - they obviously have some stuff they need to work on. And that's just liking people, dear God - am I ready for loving people?

I'm not sure what this looks like - to love people, in all honesty I'm not. And thats tough to type coming from someone who has heard of love for his entire life. Like most things this year I figure it is going to be something I am going to wrestle through...He just couldn't throw me a freebie eh?

So as I journey in prayer this week I would ask that you would come alongside - holding up myself, and the Kaleo community here. I pray 6am - 7am Tuesday morning (which is less than five hours away), 11am-12pm Wendesday, and 3pm-4pm on Thursday. On Friday I have been asked to lead the final chapel for this week so I ask that you would be in prayer for that as well, asking God to give me direction for this chapel and that it would in no way be to glorify me but in all ways glorify Him.

Again, thank you, thank you, thank you - for journeying with me thus far this year.

Love,

Jake